The economic times have hit the nation harder than anyone realizes. Even your favorite nightmare horror characters are falling on hard times. Criminally insane, “son of a hundred maniacs” Freddy Krueger is even out there pounding the pavement trying to find work. He even has a resume! I don’t know how he types with that glove on, but there you go.
To top it all off, some people have actually been willing to interview Mr. Krueger. Here is a transcription of each interview, for your inspection.
Job: Pediatric Burn Victim Counselor
Interviewer: Barbara Blake-Barns
Barbara Blake-Barns: Mr Krueger, I see you have applied for the Pediatric Burn Victim Counselor position. This is just a screening process so I will ask you a few questions.
Freddy: Ask away, Barbie. I can call you Barbie, can’t I? (caresses her cheek with one blunt side of knife fingernail)
Barbara Blake-Barns: Eek. Those are some fingers you’ve got there. You won’t be wearing them around the children will you? Of course you won’t! Let’s get on with the questions, shall we?
Obviously I see you have experience as a burn victim, how will your experiences relate to the traumatized children you would be working with?
Freddy: My children…from the very beginning, it was the children who gave me my power.
Barbara Blake-Barns: Excuse me? Oh, I see. Being a burn victim yourself, you take strength from helping children who have been through the same experience. Is that what you mean?
Freddy: Yeah. Something like that.
Barbara Blake-Barns: Your resume states that you interpret dreams, that can be very useful in this line of work, can you give me an example of a prior interpretation?
Freddy: I wouldn’t say that I interpret dreams so much as influence them. Which could come in handy, right?
Barbara Blake Barns: Exactly how are you able to “influence” (actually does air quotes) dreams?
Freddy: (laughing) The dream people. The ones that gave me this job. In dreams…I am forever! Too bad you’re not…
Barbara Blake Barns: (looks uncomfortable) Where do you see yourself in the next 5-10 years?
Freddy: I don’t know about 5-10 years, but I know that right now I have some pretty fun plans…Filet de Barbie!
Job: Landscape Architect
Interviewer: Jerry Ray Redman
Jerry Ray Redman: Damn son! What the hell happened to your face?
Freddy: Well, see, first they tried burning me.
Jerry Ray Redman: Who burned you?
Freddy: Does it matter? This boy feels the need for speed! Er…the need for precise and thorough landscape architecture.
Jerry Ray Redman: Are you a US Citizen, or at least have a Green Card?
Freddy: Oh sure.
Jerry Ray Redman: Do you have reliable transportation? How do you drive with those things on your hands? Are you willing to maybe wear a ski mask or a bag on your head? I’m afraid you might scare off the customers. Don’t get me wrong, Son. I don’t discriminate just because you’re ugly as homemade sin, but…
*interview cut off because Freddy eviscerates Jerry Ray Redman. Freddy is sensitive about being called ugly*
Job: Male Model/Hand Model
Interviewer: Jaegar Von Der Slaughter
Jaegar Von Der Slaugher: Hello,l texture! Hello, intrigue! Hello, retro sweater! You! You are beautiful man! You’re hired! You will be the face, the hand, the LOOK for my new line – Horrifique! Do you know any special skills? Have any special talents we can incorporate into the runway show or the photo shoots?