Movies That Should Have Been Awesome, But Sucked
Featured, Pop Culture — By Katie on August 18, 2011 12:00 amOne of the best reasons to see a movie in the theater (and subsequently pay exorbitant amounts of money for tickets and snacks and drinks and sometimes fancy 3-D glasses) is arriving early enough to catch the new trailers. Naturally, this is a perfect time to exercise one’s expert movie-judging skills (“Oh, that’s gonna rule.”), often to the chorus of other such avid film critics in the surrounding seats (“I bet that’s going to suck big time.”). Sadly, some of these trailers are wolves in sheep’s clothing, leading poor, innocent moviegoers to their entertainment demise. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting a few such films that, after building up the hopes and dreams of the public, stomped all over our expectations.
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
Remember that time we were in that crappy movie? Yeah.
Why It Should Have Been Awesome
The previews for this movie were absolutely mind-blowing. Replete with lovely damsels (Gwyneth Paltrow), dashing heroes (Jude Law) and a veritable grab-bag of big name stars, this film promised a little something for everyone. Perhaps its biggest claim to fame was as one of the pioneering films of computer-generated digital scenery.
Why It Sucked
What did this film ultimately give us? A good nap. This awkwardly-paced-post-Depression-era-wannabe-steampunk-meets-Indiana-Jones-but-not-as-cool snoozefest proved to be a major bummer. The filmmakers relied too heavily upon the special effects and the big names to cover up the fact that the whole plot line was a hairsbreadth away from absurdity – and not the ha-ha kind, the uh-oh kind. Not even Angelina Jolie could hussy this movie up enough to be palatable.
Star Wars-Episode 1-The Phantom Menace (1999)
Yousa watcha my crappy selfness?
Why It Should Have Been Awesome
It’s effin’ STAR WARS. How can you ruin that? Nearly two decades after the release of “Return of the Jedi”, nerds and closet nerds across the world almost tossed their pocket protectors aloft in joy at the news that George Lucas was (finally) releasing a new episode of the legendary franchise. The build up for this prequel was so great that fans waited in line for weeks to get tickets – sleeping in shifts, taking time off work and ultimately cementing their own place in Star Wars history.
Why It Sucked
Jar-Jar Binks. Hands down, one of the single-most irritating computer-generated characters to ever plague the silver screen. Combined with the cheesy dialogue, most viewers were left with an overall feeling of “Eh.” Take, for instance, the scene immediately prior to the famous pod race. Everybody’s favorite pseudo-Rasta alien is assisting the young Anakin when a nearby beast of burden experiences some unfortunate digestive discomfort (read “a space camel farted on Jar-Jar”). Seriously, George? A fart joke? Lucky for us power nerds, Lucas redeemed himself with “Attack of the Clones” (watching Yoda lay the smack down certainly didn’t hurt).
Terminator: Salvation (2009)
Is that where they put my Golden Globe? No? What do you mean, no Golden Globe?
Why It Should Have Been Awesome
Now, the creators of the Terminator films could probably throw mud at a roll of film and still win awards. Not a big fan of the franchise myself, I will admit to getting pretty excited when the previews for “Salvation” first aired. The special effects looked spectacular, the cast was promising, and no matter how far removed from the story you are, John Connor is tantamount to an American legend. Everyone wants to see humanity put up a fight against the big bad Skynet jerks.
Why It Sucked
What moviegoers experienced was something more like standing inside a giant bell and letting your most annoying friend beat on it with a hammer. Computer-generated Arnold Schwarzenegger couldn’t even save this film. (Apparently, he was too busy being the Governator to renew his role as the Terminator) Roughly twenty minutes into the film it becomes apparent that most of the budget went toward the explosions, because it certainly didn’t go to pay the scriptwriters (If it did, somebody deserves a refund). Christian Bale did his “Hi. I look angry all the time and speak in a gravely voice,” thing, while Sam Worthington tried desperately to make this movie not terrible. A valiant effort, sir, but I’m afraid the end of the movie sucked the last bit of good quality out of the experience. Of course, it was hard to see what was happening with the big block of cheese in the way.
Van Helsing (2004)
trying....not....to...suck...
Why It Should Have Been Awesome
The American public is a sucker for a good scary movie. They especially love a scary movie with lots of action and a good dose of humor. This Universal Studios release promised all of the above- Incorporating horror film legends including Dracula, the Frankenstein monster and werewolves, with a little dose of sexy thrown in (hello, Kate Beckinsale in leather pants). This film offered a talented (in theory) cast and an exotic spin on an old storyline. Any individual with a taste for classic horror had every reason to anticipate Van Helsing with all the excitement of a 15 year-old-girl before a Jonas Brothers concert.
Why It Sucked
It makes it an even bigger shame, then, that even with sexy (sort of) vampires and Kate Beckinsale’s leather pants, this movie was still terrible. It was like watching a really good idea dissolve into utter disaster, as actors who’d previously been considered very talented, exclaimed (!) their way through a cheesy and awkward script. Combined with the fact that the big plot twist was that Van Helsing was actually the angel Gabriel, this film was an extra large dose of WTF. The end of the film was the real kicker, as the aforementioned big block of cheese made its debut performance when the slain heroine and her family appeared in the sky (apparently that’s what happens when you go to Heaven). Frankly, if I started seeing giant cloud people after discovering I was a long-lost archangel (side note: How does God “miss” an archangel? Aren’t they pretty important?), I would need a good stiff drink, and possibly a CAT scan.
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull (2008)
Everybody say "cheese!" For two and a half hours....
Why It Should Have Been Awesome
This fourth installment of the epic Indiana Jones franchise was anticipated with almost as much excitement as any episode of Star Wars. Harrison Ford was returning as America’s most awesome professor, complete with a dreamy protégé in the form of Shia LaBuoef (fresh off the fame that came with “Transformers”). The world could hardly wait to see what magic Lucasfilm would make combining the much-revered story line with the newest advances in filmmaking.
Why It Sucked
The worst part about this film is that it wasn’t really terrible, it was simply, and sadly, disappointing. The novelty and adventure that ran rampant in the first three films fell flat in “Crystal Skull”. It also didn’t help that previously mentioned dreamy protégé was sort of annoying (like Jar-Jar Binks annoying). If this movie were to be summed up using math: Soviet Bad Guys vs. Indiana Jones and that chick from “Raiders of The Lost Ark” vs. Creepy Glowing Alien Skull ≠ Awesome. I’m willing to bet that the Ark of the Covenant could totally beat up the Crystal Skull in a fight. Any takers?
40 Comments
I have to disagree with you a little. I loved Episode I; along with containing the most epic lightsaber battle in memorable history (Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon vs. Darth Maul), I found Jar-Jar to be rather loveable. I will admit that some of the humor around him was played a little too much, but it gave an opportunity for C-3PO’s humor to develop while we were distracted by the other comedic relief of the Star Wars galaxy. If a Star Wars film belongs on this list, it would be Episode II. Yes, there were a couple epic battles, but the whole “let’s throw aliens into a space drama” aspect of the visit to Kamino, the play off so many gladiator movies on Geonosia, and the ever-so-awkward “love” scene on Naboo between the gorgeous Natalie Portman as Amadala and the still-seems-to-be-going-through-puberty Hayden Christensen threw the galaxy off balance enough for the nerd in me to almost throw up on himself. Hayden either needs to let his testicles finish dropping or find a reason to actually exist before he tries acting again.
I have to disagree with you a little. I loved Episode I; along with containing the most epic lightsaber battle in memorable history (Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon vs. Darth Maul), I found Jar-Jar to be rather loveable. I will admit that some of the humor around him was played a little too much, but it gave an opportunity for C-3PO’s humor to develop while we were distracted by the other comedic relief of the Star Wars galaxy. If a Star Wars film belongs on this list, it would be Episode II. Yes, there were a couple epic battles, but the whole “let’s throw aliens into a space drama” aspect of the visit to Kamino, the play off so many gladiator movies on Geonosia, and the ever-so-awkward “love” scene on Naboo between the gorgeous Natalie Portman as Amadala and the still-seems-to-be-going-through-puberty Hayden Christensen threw the galaxy off balance enough for the nerd in me to almost throw up on himself. Hayden either needs to let his testicles finish dropping or find a reason to actually exist before he tries acting again.
Okay George, oh excuse me “Odie” we know its you. Nobody liked Jar Jar. Nobody. Between him, Jake Lloyd and the lame midichlorian BS, the prequel trilogy just about fired a proton torpedo down the exhaust vent of the original trilogy.
Okay George, oh excuse me “Odie” we know its you. Nobody liked Jar Jar. Nobody. Between him, Jake Lloyd and the lame midichlorian BS, the prequel trilogy just about fired a proton torpedo down the exhaust vent of the original trilogy.
Meh, I liked Jar Jar, he wasn’t THAT bad. Also, episode two was by far the worst in the series.
When me and my nerd friends marathon star wars, we skip episode two.
Meh, I liked Jar Jar, he wasn’t THAT bad. Also, episode two was by far the worst in the series.
When me and my nerd friends marathon star wars, we skip episode two.
I didn’t think the Indiana Jones movie sucked. It was entertaining most of the way through; the end was just hopeless. They didn’t know where to go with it.
I didn’t think the Indiana Jones movie sucked. It was entertaining most of the way through; the end was just hopeless. They didn’t know where to go with it.
Jar-Jar and Indy 4 hating are just a part of “this-sucks-and-i-don’t-know-why-but-everybody-thinks-so” trend made up by movie geeks, it’s like they got to have one thing to hate over and over again without any good explanation, that’s what happened for the godfather part 3 and X-Men 3 (so the previous two were perfect ? Yeah right !)
*reads that attack of the clones was redeeming*
it’s k folks nothin to see here
Hey you forgot “Lost in space” The greatest turkey from the close history..
I mostly agree. StarWars… yeah. StarWars is just a screwed up case. When you saw StarWars1 in the early 80′ies (like me) you know that this was somewhat a quantum leap in Movie history. George Lucas never managed to maintain this level of excitement. My opinion: they got bader and bader. And the worst, he even managed to screw up StarWars1 with the “digitally remastered” version. The real models of StarWars1 were awesome. You cannot get this realism with CG today. Moreover the “digitally remastered” versions do have really cheap CG (the same as all later StarWars movies). Compare that with for example LordOfTheRings.
are u saying that empire strikes back is worse then a new hope? if so ur a retard
I’ve got to disagree with some of those films.I really enjoyed Van Helsing. I was o.k with Sky Captain, Indy and Terminator. The only one I would completely agree with you on was Star Wars. I personally just look for pure entertainment. I don’t try to analyze the budgeting and scriptwriting. Cheesy? Maybe but lots of fun.
Star Wars Ep 1 was an example of just because you can do anything in CG doesn’t mean you should. And Jar Jar would have been best as a 1 or 2 scene character.
bullshit i like all these films fuck you all cunts
I disagree with the inclusion of ‘Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull’ in this list. It was awesome and I hope we get another just like it.
WOW!…Not one mention of X-Men 3: The Last Stand or Tansformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen on this list. Now THOSE movies are the very definition of something that should have been awesome…but sucked. BIGTIME.
there you are completely wrong. go check stats. men they are among the best
Totally agree. Especially about the Transformers2: Revenge of the Fallen. Worst movie ever. And I’ve never been a huge X Men fan. I actually avoid those films.
Avatar. Both of them.
Why does every movie made in the last 5 years have to have Shia La Bouef in it ???
like many other posters I disagree with your list. I thought there are many more films deserving to be on this list. If I had to switch one out it’d be X-Men 3 for Van Helsing
i totally disagree with terminator(salvation) indiana jones; and van helsing being awesome movies. i think those were rocked
Judge Dredd. The premise was good, the wealth of available storylines more than enough for a successful franchise, the set, costumes, effects, awesome. But Stallone? I know he put up the money, but who the hell told him that he could pull off the lead role? Plus, he took his helmet off! And kissed Judge Anderson! Absolute no go. 169% Fail
the idiot that wrote all this was to busy playing with private parts to enjoy these movies
CGI killed the latest Indiana Jones flick… right from the start with the CGI gopher popping up out of a mound of dirt. Massive CGI waterfalls, CGI monkeys, CGI aliens… it just didn’t seem right in an Indiana Jones film (they’re supposed to be throwbacks to the old adventure serials). Still, Harrison Ford’s presence made the film watchable… he didn’t miss a beat. The new Star Wars films lacked any character we could care about.
I would add to the list the second Matrix movie (what a big letdown after how cool the first one was), and Spider-Man 3. Venom… a surefire hit… arguable the most popular spider-villain of all time… you have to be trying really hard to f**k up if you can’t make Venom work. They gave him such a small, limited role and he wasn’t beefed up and huge like he should have been. Spider-Man 3 should have been partially used to help set up Venom as the main villain for Spider-Man 4.
first of all the skycaptain WAS a good movie what made it seem to suck was gwenyth paltrows HORRIBLE acting go back and watch it again everytime jude law gets it going gwenyth speaks and ruins the show. she has the worst performance ever. star wars 1 and 2 sucked what made the originals so good was acting like harrison ford .these idiots in the new ones have NO CHARISMA at all . the third one finally worked.. and helsing was very good just came at a time of dracula overkill.
With the exception of Van Helsing, I’ve seen all of the films mentioned above and thought they were all entertaining and enjoyable. We live in a world where we have access to so much high quality entertainment and all people do, is piss and moan like little babies,all of the time. It’s a sad state of affairs and shows me, just how immature people can be. It’s situations like these, that lead me to think that humanity needs to be humbled and perhaps taken down a few notches!
2nW5Yj Very true! Makes a change to see someone spell it out like that. :)
this person is obviously a mental deficient. Go back to criticizing recipes for Woman’s Circle.
Wow… I disagree with everything you said. All those films are some of my favourites.
I bet you hate The Matrix and LotR too -_-’
I agree with most of these. I dislike anything coming from Lucus and Speilberg now. JarJar was annoying as hell. Darth Vaders “Nooooo!” at the end of episode 3 caused me to laugh so hard I don’t think I’ll ever watch that movie again. (Hey Lucus, we’re in the twenty-first century, not 1945 Flash Gordon movies!) That’s something I’d expect Dr. Evil to do in an Austin Powers movie. Gawd. And midichlorians? Talk about taking all the magic and fun out of the franchise. You don’t need faith to be a Jedi. Just microbes. Absolute s***! Also, why not give the role of Indiana Jones over to a younger actor? They do it with James Bond, why not? Normally I don’t care about an actors age, but Harrison Ford has gone crazy. They can keep Karen Allen though. She’s hot as hell. Also, Matrix and LotR do suck. BIG TIME. Matrix because, “Why not live in the matrix? It’s better than living in that hellhole they called Zion. And LotR for so many reasons I can’t state them here. But here’s the big one. Gandolf gets rescued by giant eagles in the first movie, then the Hobbits and a bunch of other make-believe critters go on a quest through the most dangerous area of middle earth, almost getting killed dozens of times. Orc’s, giant spiders, the Gollum, Orc’s again, a Balrog. Frodo gets his finger bitten off. And then Gandolf comes flying in on those giant eagles. It’s like, “Thanks a lot Gandolf. What could have been a three hour flight, took us three weeks to walk. A**hole “
Alright dudes here’s what I think. I liked Van Helsing and Star Wars I. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow sucked balls. I don’t remember the Terminator, so it must have sucked too. And at Indy I was like “Hell, it’s about time”, and then ,like, “WTFail?!? How’d they mess up like that?O_O”
sky captain and all starwars 1 2 3 sucked ass but the rest of the movies i have to strongly disagree
terminator salvation was freaking awesome dude !!!
I agree for the most part but Sky Captain and Terminator: Salvation rocked.
Please add the most epic of all disappointments: Independence Day
The only one of the prequels that I liked even the slightest, was episode one. Granted, Jar Jar binks was an unnecessary and annoying character, but besides that the movie wasn’t that bad.
Episodes 2 and 3 were total crap though, the fact that you believe the franchise “redeemed” itself through episode 2 makes it impossible for me to take you seriously.
and Van Helsing was pretty good, too.
I’m not even sure to write here. I am a total Starwars Fan. I grew up with the old movies and felt like a little boy at Christmas when i heard the new ones were coming. Episode one, granted, wasnt all what i expected. Some of the charm with ep 4 was the easy clothing and the beauty in the simplicity of it all. Suddently in ep 1 the could jump really high, run really fast and all sort of shit that more than the actual movies was invented by the game franchise. That said, all this was kinda awesome. Pushing away droid while kicking ass while killing with the legendary light saber. Ep 2 wasnt really bad either i thought, gave us a real perspective on why Anakin becomes a Douch, his mother dying and all. Ep 3 was cool all the way til the end when Dart Vader screams that fucking movie killing NOOOOO!!!! That i must say really killed the whole thing for me. Such an epic battle between two men, brothers, master and padawan, just so we can end the whole thing with a big cheesy NOOOO!! What the hell were you thinking lucas?
The other movies mentioned…. well Van Helsing could have been cooler, better in a million ways, but i must say i have seen it more than once. Terminator was just shit. Its consept is all used up and without the governator there simply isnt any reason to make more of those movies. Indiana Jones was as quoted by South Park ” Raped by george and steven”. Who the hell said after smoking some reallly strong weed…. HAHAHA lets make Indiana see Aliens :D He should be shot and killed.
I wont even start to comment Sky Captain…
There are some movies missing on this list that really should have been there:
1. Matrix 2: What a peace of crap!!
2. Jurassic Park 3: Why in the lords name would they ruin Such a cool thing as rampage dinosaurs..
3. The last of the samurai: Tom Cruise ? Really?
4. Dragon Ball: Epic fucking Fail, wow how can somebody even put his name on this movie. The Japanese cartoons were awesome. Movie was … there simply isnt words…
this list could be long but i must say. all of the above were horrible. I really would like to see somebody disagree on this.
Juli
i really agree with you especially for Indiana Jones (1999)