Decking of the halls, sleigh rides, drunk uncles, festive crowds filling Times Square – these all are blatant signs of the holiday season. 2010 has been, for most people, a rough and tumble year. With a brand new year looming, we must wonder if 12:01 am on January 1st will spell renewed hope or inevitable doom for the huddled masses (read: us). Along with the party hats, public inebriation and giant glowing balls nothing heralds in the spirit of the new year like a high quality New Year’s resolution. Oh, the potential! Oh, the possibilities! New years!
Or so you would think.
According to some statistics I just made up for this blog post, 85% of New Year’s resolutions never see any follow through. 13% lose steam after the first two weeks of the year, while only a mere 2% of all New Year’s resolutions are ever brought to fruition. Bearing this in mind, let’s examine a few of the more notable resolutions tossed around during this colorful, merry time of year.
“I resolve to lose 10 pounds!”
According to statistics I didn’t make up, the United States is the fattest country. In. The. World. For a large portion of the nation, losing 10lbs would barely scratch the surface of the changes they’d need to make to improve their quality of life. Seriously, America- step away from the triple-bacon cheeseburger with extra mayo and step onto a treadmill.
“I resolve to get in touch with Nature!”
If you’re resolving to return to Nature and gain some one-ness with the Earth, you should work quickly. If all of the Nat Geo and Animal Plant documentaries are right, the human race is destroying the planet at a rate roughly equivalent to a fat kid consuming a birthday cake. Real nature is a hot commodity these days, as urban sprawl continues to…well…sprawl.
“I resolve to break the world record for most Cheez-its eaten while watching an “Andy Griffith Show” marathon!”
Ok…that particular example might be a little absurd, but the resolution to break a world record is one of the most commonly adopted, and subsequently abandoned, resolutions out there. Besides, the only people that care about breaking world records are other people that want to break world records. Trying to break the record for most nickels swallowed before succumbing to heavy metal poisoning might make you famous, but not because people think you’re cool.
“I resolve to stop gossiping!”
Yeah, right. Unless you’re monk that’s taken a vow of silence, don’t even bother making this resolution. Gossip is terrible, and mean and highly entertaining. Oh, and if you happen to be a monk that’s taken a vow of silence, but just so happens to possess telepathic abilities, you may want to avoid this resolution as carefully as the rest of us poor schmucks.
“I resolve to be nicer to everyone!”
While the world would be a much better place if everyone on it were a little nicer, this resolution is a total cop-out. Kindness and generosity shouldn’t come about as the result of a drunken New Year’s promise. Also, if you actually have to make up your mind to stop sucking and treat people better, you may have bigger problems to consider.
Happy New Year!!!