Sex, Alcohol, Candy and Face Creams
Gold is rare and valuable. It is incredibly labor intensive and dangerous to mine for both mine workers and the environment. As such, the most obviously logical thing to do with it is rub it on your face and flush it down the toilet—in some cases literally.
To follow is a list of some of the most useless, most unnecessary things that are made of gold for sale today.
Gold Sex Toys
The Midas touch—gone WILD! I’m not confused about the practical use of a sex toy, right? In a traditional use of gold, like in a necklace or a ring, the purpose of spending the extra green to get something made of gold is so you can show it off and brag about your status without having to say a single word. In the case of a sex toy, who are you bragging to? It’s not exactly a mantelpiece. I guess it makes being alone seem in vogue.
And what does discovering a gold vibrator encrusted with gems in your wife’s sock drawer do to your ego?
“Honey? You know, I still drive a Hyundai, right?”
Gold Face Cream
Of course it would be a better to use this valuable mineral to make yourself healthier than just to flaunt your wealth, but does rubbing hundreds of dollars worth of gold on your face really make a difference worth the money?
“I am certain that the poor children who mined this gold would rest a little easier tonight if they could only see these pores! It’s like ten-years washed off my face and into the sewage system—along with $200 of gold leaf…”
Then again, child labor for the purpose of glitz and glamour is no better, but it’s tradition so we can let it slide.
My qualm with rubbing gold on your face instead of salt water or Clearasil or olive oil–something more traditional–is that some business genius is making money off of rich peoples’ naïveté. What a great business model! Convince people that one of the most expensive things on Earth is the secret to eternally youthful skin. The best part? It worked! Cha-ching!
Gold Chocolate and Food
Gold is flavorless. In fact, professional tasters use golden utensils to make sure they get a pure taste of whatever they have to critique. But these utensils are reusable. Gold covered food is not.
My favorite gold food has to be the gold covered heart-shaped lollipop. A strawberry lollipop, just like the ones you get at the bank or the doctor’s, only it costs nearly $28.00 because it’s covered in flakes of gold. The same website offers pure edible gold and a gold flake shaker to evenly apply gold as a garnish.
Dear rich people:
This is why people resent you! They are NOT jealous. They are sick of the way you waste the money that they don’t have to make precious rare metals into ca-ca.
Gold in Your Alcohol
Probably the most popular ridiculous gold consumption method, alcoholic beverages with gold flakes floating within are a delicious a way to damage your esophagus, stomach, brain and liver—and it sparkles!
I know that it’s not even three-dollars worth of gold in a $30.00 bottle of goldschlager, but why not use that much gold to make a beautiful bottle that you can keep and not turn into the-morning-after runs?
The moral of the story is this: It’s not worth it–not that any use of gold is really worth it considering the rarity and danger involved in its discovery, mining and refining, but especially if you’re going to just put it in your body for fun so you can feel luxurious. That’s just plain selfish.
- Tips for Selling Your Old Gold Jewelry (lawrencereaves.com)
- The Gold Pyramid House of Northern Illinois (youlivewhere.com)
- 5 Most Expensive Funerals in World History (makethelist.net)
- Top 10 Famous & Deadly Swords (toptenz.net)