The Truth About Zombies

Featured, Pop Culture — By BB Admin on April 30, 2012 12:00 am

What can you say about zombies that hasn’t been said already? There are zombie comics, zombie movies, books about zombies, books that used to be classic pieces of literature that had zombies put into them, and there are real zombies that re made when a boko takes a person’s soul and puts it in a jar and then lets the person’s body walk around and run errands and stuff like fetching the drycleaning, detailing the car, and doing the grocery shopping. Good luck getting them to use coupons, though, because, whew!

coupons?

So with this onslaught of zombie stuff, why (oh why indeed?) would I choose to write a post about zombies? Well, because it’s close to Halloween, because I still love zombie movies, and because I know a few things about zombies that you don’t know. And I think you should. Keep in mind that the zombies that I know about are not the ones that are created by boko – they are the ones created by a disastrous chemical event, or a deadly zombie-making virus. Just so we’re clear.

Zombies are Hungry

I know what you’re thinking. OF COURSE zombies are hungry. They chase after people to try to eat their flesh and brains. What I’m telling you is that zombies are REALLY hungry. Think of the hungriest you’ve ever been, and then multiply that by, like, fifteen gazillion. THAT’S how hungry zombies are. So, if you were that hungry, wouldn’t you consider, even for a second, eating brains? You say no now, but you’ve never been as hungry as a zombie, have you? Didn’t think so. So don’t go judging, OK?

Zombies Need Love Too

Didn’t you ever see Cemetery Man, My Boyfriend’s Back, Zombie Strippers, and Fido? There you go. Zombies aren’t always all apocalypsey and angsty. Sometimes they’re just a little misunderstood. Johnny Dingle loved Missy McCloud so much that he came back from the dead as a zombie to be with her. That’s devotion, people. And if he had to eat some human flesh to do it? Well, in the immortal words of Meatloaf, he “would do anything for love.” And Fido, all he wanted was a family to accept him and love him. And that’s certainly the most realistic zombie movie ever, because if a zombie is around, the Republicans will find a way to make money off of it.

Zombies Can Feel Pain

Emotional pain, that is. Like when you run away from them. Why are you doing that? Don’t you know that they just want to eat your brains? And they’re so hungry; why wouldn’t you let them eat your brains? They also feel pain every time they hear Thriller, and every time Andy Dick gets a movie role.

As for physical pain…it’s no thing. No pain receptors, no working nerve endings. Remember that when you’re hacking away at them for your very life.

Some Zombies are Smarter Than Others

N’uff said.

This list could, honestly, go on and on. Not to mention all the OTHER types of zombies out there – zombie pets, zombie ninjas, zombie bugs, and zombie monkeys ala Pirates of the Caribbean – but I think we’ve given you enough here that you can develop a little bit of tolerance for these misunderstood, albeit bloodthirsty creatures. After all, they didn’t ask to be zombies any more than you asked to be the type of person who would read this post to the very end.