The headlines you’re about to read are completely fake. Here is your real News 2010, brought into relief by your fake headlines 2010.
10. Lindsay Lohan Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
March of this year gifted us with a lovely little story about Li-Lo’s trip to India to film a BBC documentary about human trafficking in India. Amelia Gentlemen of The Guardian wrote a scathing article that literally made me LOL. Luckily for everyone, Lindz had the solution to a global support for ending child trafficking. And that solution? Twitter. And for her behavior in India, different reports around the interwebs told us that India was considering blacklisting her. Sweet!
9. Conan O’Brien Makes a Quiet Return to Television
At the beginning of the year, we all marveled at the fact that late-night talk show hosts and their drama made the national news. Well, you may not have marveled, but I sure did. NBC decided to oust the tall redheaded Conan O’Brien in favor of the lantern-jawed Jay Leno, and there was outcry, celebration, indignation, etc. Later in the year, it was announced that O’Brien would be hosting his very own, brand-spanking-new show on TBS. And the TV spots…well…they were over the top. In the very best way.
8. Apple iPad Deemed A Total Failure
Despite its unfortunate name, when Apple released their very first-ever tablet computer in April, it sold like hotcakes, right off the bat. It’s like a giant iPhone, or a tiny laptop, depending how you look at it. 80 days of sales yielded 3 million iPads sold. Starting at $499 big ones, that’s about $1,500,000,000 total. Not a failure.
7. Trey Parker and Matt Stone Named Goodwill Ambassadors to Muslim Extremists
South Park’s 200th episode, titled “200,” aired on April 14th. The episode had a lot of cartoon guest stars – Tom Cruise, Jesus, Barbara Streisand, and Muhammad. Islam forbids any depiction of Muhammad, so Parker and Stone were (they thought) clever about it, depicting Muhammad in a bear suit. Needless to say, that didn’t sit well, especially with a certain extremist group in New York, who hint that Parker and Stone might end up like Theo van Gogh (a cartoonist who was murdered for his depiction of Muhammad), which was apparently “not a threat.” Suuuuure it wasn’t.
6. Betty White Fades Into Obscurity
Betty White appeared in 2009′s The Proposal, and then saw a career comeback that rivals John Travolta’s. A Facebook campaign to get her to host Saturday Night Live launched in March or April, and on May 9th the campaign saw success. She was the oldest person to host SNL (at 88 years young) and even won a Primetime Emmy for her peformance.
5. Nobody Tunes in to the Series Finale of “Lost”
Like it or lump it, the series finale of Lost aired on May 23 and a whopping 13.5 million people tuned in. Probably more than that, if you consider that more than one person watched one TV, and people who had to work that night probably TIVOed or DVRed it, so it was a lot more than that. A similar number of people sat around for the next hour scratching their heads and saying “WTF?”
4. General Stanley McChrystal Given Top Honors in United States Army – Avoids Controversy Altogether
General Stanley Allen McChrystal was in charge of the whole conflict in Afghanistan when he participated in a Rolling Stone article wherein he told some information he shouldn’t have. He retired (forcibly) from his position two short days before the article went to print, and was replaced by General David Patreaus.
3. LeBron James Makes Quick Team Decision Amid No Media Attention Whatsoever
Lebron James became a free-agent on July 1st, and was courted by the Knicks, the Nets, the Miami Heat, the Bulls, the Mavericks, the Clippers, and the Cavaliers. The next seven days James’ decision process, and possibly what he ate for breakfast, was the very top of the news on every network. Whether or not you cared about sports, you were hearing LeBron James’ name everywhere. On July 8th he announced that he’d chosen Miami. Joy.
2. Tiger Woods Wins Husband of the Year Award. Jesse James Comes in Second
Tiger Woods cheated on his poor wife Elin with a slew of floosies, causing a media maelstrom and breaking the heart of many a Tiger fan. Except my grandma, who still likes him. Jesse James cheated on his Oscar-winner (and new Woman of the Year) wife Sandra Bullock with a multiply-tattooed ex-stripper named Bombshell McGee. Classy.
1. BP Wins Awards for Oil Rig Safety Practices
BP’s offshore oil rig Deepwater Horizon exploded on April 20, killing 11 people and dumping oil into the Gulf of Mexico for a record three months, making it the biggest oil spill in American history. Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, and Alabama shores were damaged, and the country is still trying to recover. Epic, epic fail.
And that’s your News 2010 Report. Hopefully 2011 will yield less yuck, more luck.